Pitchfork’s Soundplay: The Lamest Thing On The Internet

Chances are, if you happen to read this blog regularly you probably also check out other sources for music write-ups on the internet. If that is the case, then chances are even greater that you follow, or at least occasionally check out Pitchfork. Pitchfork has no doubt inspired us in many ways to do what we do on this blog, but in other ways it does the opposite and shows us what not to do. Aside from its stigma of hosting overly pretentious articles/reviews, it also has a few other outlets that have never really seemed to been able to get off the ground but are still shoved down our throats while on the site. Pitchfork.tv being one thing they seem to heavily promote, but don’t get much traction with. Most of the content on Pitchfork.tv isn’t even generated by them in anyway, they just repost videos under their link to maybe make it look as such. Well recently Pitchfork decided to step into the gaming world and release an “innovative” new line of online video games “inspired” by their favorite music. And what a stink bomb it has turned out to be.

Not that I ever condone or recommend trying any of these games, but if you do like wasting your own time the first thing you will notice while trying to access Soundplay is that (after you download the right software that is required) it takes an incredibly long time to load each game. And for what? The games are about as complex as Tetris or Street Fighter but with slightly better (but in some ways worse) graphics. Pitchfork’s “genius and innovative” vision for Soundplay is to merge music, video, and internet games. They did so with the help of Intel alongside a few up-and-coming game developers. What Pitchfork failed to realize was that not only are there already a begillion games on the internet that you can play for free, but most of those games are actually FUN and interesting to play. Also if you want to combine music with them, you can simply just click play on your iTunes as you are playing. To be frank, it doesn’t interest me that the game was “inspired” by the song if the game sucks ass as these ones do. I also find it hard to believe that these games were even truly inspired by each song. There is literally nothing to them. Let me break this down so that you don’t have to waste your time playing any of these games as I did.

 

The first game I played was “inspired” by Passion Pit’s new song, “Take A Walk”. I guess they say “inspired by” because the creatures in the game are actively walking throughout the game … which by the way is also ENTIRELY the point of the game. You begin as beetle and you walk along while collecting little sparkly lights. Then you turn in to a frog,  and walk, and collect more lights. Then you turn into a chicken, and walk, and collect even more lights. Then the song ends, as does the game. I honestly haven’t felt so ripped off since I was a child at the Auburn fair, and after spending about forty-two of my own quarters on the mouse game I won a plastic happy meal toy. In any case, I figured this game must be the worst of the bunch, so I tried a few more. Side note: The mouse game is literally a children’s version of roulette, but instead of a little ball spinning around a wheel and landing on a number you have a mouse spinning around a wheel that runs into a hole next to the number. Looking back, this game is what spawned my gambling addiction.

 

My next attempt was a game “inspired by” M83′s “Intro”. After four minutes of loading, I began controlling a man running by sentences that seemed incredibly unimportant to the game and rather angsty to boot. Almost as soon as I began, I lost control of the character and it ran into a rock. For the remainder of the game, I sat just watching my character run straight forward, into a rock. I tried the game two more times, with similar results. All three times, “Intro” never even began playing in the background.

 
My third and final attempt at Pitchfork’s genius new gaming platform, was a game “inspired by” Cut Copy’s “Sun God”. I can’t even fathom what the hell they were trying to pull off with this game. It’s two stick figures bound together that are constantly and furiously showering these obnoxiously bright neon colors. As you jump, they seem fly into the air, supposedly fighting. I tried the game twice, and both times I failed to hit my opponent or gain any points of any kind.

 
I don’t mean to go on a 1,000 word rant here about how much these games suck, although that is exactly what I am doing, but I feel the question must be asked … Why? Why would Pitchfork continue promoting such a shitty ploy? Why would game developers waste their time on such shitty games? Why would bands give their songs to be used in said shitty games? And most of all, why would ANYONE waste their time with Soundplay while games like Robot Unicorn Attack exist out there. Sorry Pitchfork, but your “innovative” new gaming platform is about as innovative and genius as a Michael Bay picture. If you are like me and love pointless games, try any of the other million free ones online or on you iPhone before you ever waste your time on Soundplay. If the background music sucks, press play on your iTunes.

 
Soundplay Rating: 1/11

Can’t Miss: None

Can’t Hit: Every Soundplay game in existence

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Tags: Cut Copy, free games, games, games that suck, intel, internet games, intro, M83, mortal kombat, passion pit, Pitchfork, robot unicorn attack, soundplay, street fighter, sun god, take a walk, tetris